As a skin repair and recovery specialist, I receive emails with photos from people across the country and beyond. Sometimes they look for solutions to silly acts that have caused serious damage to their leather furniture. With 23 years of experience in skin care either on location or in my skin recovery studio, I have also witnessed first hand abuse and heard comments proving that idiocy is an occasional human phenomenon. Here is a list of the top ten dumbest guys for me without any particular order because anyone can grab the top spot. Names are issued to protect their reputation.
1. I use my skin keyboard as an ironing board. The skin is completely deformed and distorted. Can you help me?
2. I saw an article on the internet that said to use bleach to cleanse the skin. It doesn't work that well. The skin was clean I guess, but it crushed me. What can I do?
3. I clean my leather sofa with upholstery adhesive to my steam cleaner. The skin is dark and seems to have shrunk. Please help!!
4. I practice my golf swing and punch holes in the back of my beautiful leather couch. It's 6 iron. Is this something you can solve?
5. I have a party and move my love seat to my backyard. I have too close to barbecue. The whole back of my love chair got fried. What can I do?
6. My 3 year old is getting ink on my new skin cushion. After I was severely disciplined, I tried to remove the ink by rubbing alcohol as mentioned on some websites. The ink is still there but the color of the skin is gone. (Customers bring pillows to my store. In this case, they have dark skin and often, scar tissue absorbs higher color concentration making them darker than surrounding skin, Ink strips restore color to areas where alcohol is affected. the innocent are still in therapy.)
7. Upon arriving at the customer's home to check for defects found in the large new cuticle, I recorded several dozen notes scattered around here and on the skin. Customers ask them to point out all the "flaws." After examining the problem of the first problem, I asserted that it was not a defect, rather a natural feature of the skin. He looks confused. Therefore, I explained that the cow might have rubbed the thorny wire, causing the wound, and it would have healed the wound rather than healed. He said; "What do you mean a cow?" I waved my hand towards that part and replied, "Ma'am you have a bunch of cows here." At that moment, he fell to the floor crying, "What have I done? What have I done?" It turns out that he is vegan and does not know that the skin is from a cow. Opppps.
8. Asked to make repairs to the transit damage at the customer's home, I arrived at the site with my senior technician. The customer is a leading physician and is present upon arrival. She and her partner went to another part of her house to discuss the decoration. With the task completed, I called him in and as he looked at the repaired area, with a surprised look, "No, how did you do it?" I lightly said, "We use lasers." He called on his planners to see the repair. When he arrived, he told her, "Look, the damage is gone, they're using lasers to fix it." I had to explain to the rude doctor that I was joking.
9. After carefully restoring the beautiful chair and ottoman at our Hayward store, the customer arrives in a pickup truck to bring the pieces home. He examines the furniture and is pleased with the result. To prepare it for transit, we cover it with plastic and shrink wrap as per our standard practice. The customer and I put her on the back of my pick up asking if she had a rope to secure it. He assured me that he did. At that time my office phone rang. I turned to my office to pick up the call. The customer left immediately. On his way across the San Mateo Bridge, at 70 or more miles an hour, unsecured furniture pretended to be a kite and was secretly lifted from the truck bed, falling into the air like a wounded duck. Gravity takes over. It was reversed and turned and crushed and crashed. Kill the road. 45 minutes later he returned to our shop with a severe piece of damage including a broken frame. The cost of repairing the damage exceeds the value of the piece. It remains in my store as a living proof and weakness of the human brain.
10. The customer owns an auto detail shop. The customer has a BMW with leather interior. Auto detailing gives one of the grease monkeys an inside cleaning job. Thinking it would be a quick and easy way to cleanse her skin, she grabbed the degreaser of her trusted engine and applied it vigorously to all skin components. Of course it attracts color coats, exposing raw skin. (In addition, this is a list of other chemicals that our experts tell us to do to clean their skin --- mayonnaise, acetone, milk, honey, baby oil, detergent of all kinds, saddle soaps.)
Bonus award: Customers are asked to say that they have cleaned their sofa with 409. After completing the project, they realized that 409 was too aggressive and had lost its color coating. He was shocked and ready to sue the 409 manufacturer. The reason for the suit was that there was no warning on the label No. to apply it to the skin. When I told him that there was no warning about using it on your face, he had no connection. Asked why he didn't stop after he finished the section and saw the damage, he explained that when he thought it was completely dry he would return to normal. Duh!
The moral here is to think before you act and if in doubt, contact a qualified skin rehabilitation professional for advice.
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